Life is what you learn between the sheets- American High School

me! the moon bar in northbridge that is…

ah gee

good weekend :)

christmas was fun, boxing day was better.

friendships have been saved and new years is coming up!

i’m thinking resolutions are going to be
- take up yoga
- get my drivers license/car
- be more considerate

2010
this is going to be a good year ^_^

and to think…. this is the man who gave me life

now i know where i got my ‘crazy’ from

CHRISTMAS

Highlights
- christmas ham
- waking up at 12:30pm
- presents
- family and friend (Matt)
- watching jackie chan
- non alcoholic wine

Lowlights
- seeing my dad as a black santa
- watching anime
- still managing to screw up my nail polish
- eating too much food
- having it end

stress. I am a stresshead. no matter how much i try not to be it always comes crawling back. i want to be chill, i want to not overthink every little thing that is said or done. i take things to heart until it knaws at me, i’m oversensitive and try to laugh it off but the more i do the more i snap.

although, this weekend was good. i had fun, caught up with old friends, current friends and had a blast. it was good catching up with different kinds of people. i was freaking out quite a bit about doing this, especially including my friends who have never been exposed to heavy metal music and hq but they took it surprisingly well! they loved it, and i love how they can bend and make conversation with anyone and everyone, not even caring about status or appearance and that’s why i think i love those girlies so much. good times, good booze, great moments and lovely experiences :)

i love those nights where you don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’s going to turn out, what you’re going to do… but it does cost shitloads! i swear, we spent over $100 lastnight… $62 on booze alone. it was worth it though… and that’s what life is about.

highlights
- seeing jaya’s band (arturo chaos)
- getting ready in the myer toilets and going into the pamper room for the first time
- seeing beck, maricel, georgia and hannah (especially hannah since she’d been in new zealand for 2 weeks)
- going to the servo to get ice, lemonade and golden gaytimes for jaya and anton cos it reflected their personalities
- good conversation and humourous stories
- massages ;)
- chilling out
- tampering with peoples facebooks and myspaces
- bread and butter for sober food
- seeing rosie and crystal in borders the next morning
- hannah staying over in the afternoon to watch movies
- laughs

lowlights
- missing the canning bridge train stop
- breaking/dropping a glass and wasting midori
- getting peach schnappes spilt all over me
- having a sook about not having anything to wear
- being oversensitive
- forgetting to put maricel’s flight of the conchords back in her bag
- wasting money for taxi’s, food, alcohol, hq entrance etc.
- coffee without milk
- cockroach escapades
- having a shower fully clothed

The power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less- Uncle Wayne

Lost Time.

I honestly don’t know where I am right now.

It feels like i’m losing a grip on who I am as a person, the core essence of myself. I’m turning into a hermit, neglecting people I can’t tolerate; being left quite lonely. I like a challenge; I like to be friends with people who enlighten me & are different, however, then I get picky; stagnant and I don’t want to do that anymore; I want to expand my company, be more approachable; friendly.

It feels like i’m just going about my days, wake up; go to work; go out blah blah blah blah. The same old shit. I don’t even know.
It feels like all my friends are out, living their lives. I can’t even remember the last time I talked to Maricel on the phone, but each day it is getting harder to keep in contact and the drifting is not what I’m used to, when I used to talk to this person everyday.

Phleh,
It feels like i’m just being a cheap copy of myself, making up for my lack of emotion by buying materialistic things, either for myself or others. It is easier this way, buying gifts for people instead of having to go through the effort of physically telling them I care.

I feel there are some things that people do and/or say that annoy the crap out of me but my need to please people stops me from saying, “YOU’RE ANNOYING THE FUCKIN SHIT WANK FUCK FACE CRAP OUTTA ME!”
You see, when I actually do want you as a friend I put up with absolutely anything and make incredible sacrifices without expecting anything in return. What I’m trying to say is, am I being a doormat?

I used to be happy, all the time. ALL THE TIME. But now, it’s just turned out, that it’s all a masquerade. An act to keep my friends, keep my job, keep my family; happy; because I worry that if I don’t

I will be unliked.

I am the RULE.

Sometimes I wish I could go back,
to that moment in time, that changed my outlook and perspective on things, such as appearances and maintaining face.

To the time when I envied my bestfriend who was skinner and prettier than me in year 5, to when my auntie told me I was gaining weight, to the moments when I would belittle other people based on their appearances; the fat kid with no friends, to the frecklie one with red hair and the pale one with no eyelashes. This contempt for judging a book from its cover stemmed from jealousy and was deep rooted from the early days that I would watch gorgeous women on tv, living lives that I could only dream of at the expense of lesser, more marginalised, average looking characters. It was provoked by those perfectly toned and sculpted bodies that used to appear on Rage saturday mornings in music videos where they’d shake what their mamma gave them. If I, was not exposed and brought up by this vile way of thinking, if I hadn’t made myself vulnerable to insecurities; if I had just felt comfortable in my own skin; I would not have felt feel the need to ridicule others, to make up for my own lack of confidence and jealousy.

oh, if only I could go back.

Lowlights:
- Working from 10 til 6:30.
- Cleaning a toilet for the first time at work.
- Getting hit on by juvies and seedy men at the beach.
- Not being able to go with Maricel to her sister’s art show and, consequently, the after party.

Highlights:
- Beach was amazing yesterday; i had forgotten how much i have missed the water.
- Steph and nicky slept over; watched Moulin Rouge and He’s Just Not That Into You til 3 in the morning.
- Watched Amelie: I wish I was that intuitive and special .
- Ate white chocolate flavoured tim tams for the first time.

Life is but a Draft.

Do you ever feel so lonely that you think you might cry?

That’s how I’m feeling right now. Yes, I have friends and family… all of whom that love me very much, but, come to think of it, I have never ever actually been loved in that intimate kind of way; not how a ‘boy meets girl’ kind of way. It’s been swelling up inside of me, this new found hatred for ‘love’ the goofy kind that you find in movies and my new found liking of neglecting such unrealistic forms of relationships. Honestly, how many times have you ‘loved’ someone and not recieved that same kind of affection back. One too many. I have never had my heart truly broken, because it’s hard to let people in, and the people that I do want to let in are usually assholes and manwhores. Yes, I know, one isn’t supposed to find these traits attractive but I do, and a thing I also do is obsess over certain individuals. From my guy bestfriend in year 7 to the ‘cool’ guy in year 8 to the womanizers and smooth talkers and absolute pricks. Everytime I think i’ve found someone I would even remotely think of building something with, I’m the one who gets ignored and pushed away. Like that black guy from ‘The New Guy’ says, “the sex you want, you ain’t gettin and the sex you gettin, you don’t want.”

i guess, a girl just has to make do with what she has… and that’s absolutely nothing, well… where love/boys are concerned. Fuck it. Just got to face it, “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Oh how I love to hear that sound
Milkshake milkshake I love to feel you sweat
We don’t have to go to the pool
If you want me to make you wet
Can you keep a secret
Because the best little secrets are kept
And you’re my best little secret yet

oh dear (:
LOUIS XIV

worked 11 hours today :|
coordinating two jobs is tiring… but $10 tips make me happy (:

Emily: What do you do if someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over.
Thomas: You must try to stop loving them.
Emily: And, is that possible?
Thomas (smiling): No. I don’t think so

Change

I never smile as much as I used to, too much effort.
Love; Only at the Movies.
Lost inspiration, lost hilarity, lost youtube popularity.
No apetite.
High standards and morals.
Viduous faith in others.
Grown confidence, no luck with breastage.
Shrinking.
Working at a coffee shop.
Not a high school student.
No longer vulnerable to childhood expectations of others or myself.
Polite & sincere; most of the time.
Easily upset, strong willed, high tempered.
Forever learning & growing (just not vertically)

Time; I waste so much of it waiting for public transport.



ie. Today I caught the 283 into Kalamunda, just to catch the 282 back to my house as it would have been too risky impossible to get to Maricel’s house and back before my mum got home.

You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine

-Death From Above 1979